Dialogue Sample from Ubu for President

Dialogue sample from Ubu for President:

JUDGE
We’ll begin with opening statements. King Wenceslas?

KING WENCESLAS
Thank you. As the rightful and hereditarily appropriate King of Fuggal, I humbly beg the people’s indulgence in selecting me to continue as their God-chosen overlord.

JUDGE
Very good. Mister Wounded Knee Goldstein, do you have any opening remarks?

MING
I just want to take a moment to thank all the people of Fuggal who are coming together in harmony and love in support of this election. I also want to thank all of the plants and animals of Fuggal. In fact, I want to thank the living essence of every unfettered soul in this universe or in any other universe. Thank you.

JUDGE
Princess Buggerlas, your opening statement, please.

KING
Oh, she doesn’t have an opening statement.

PRINCESS
Daddy, shh!

KING
Why don’t we just end this silliness right now?

PRINCESS
It is not silliness! I’m running for President!

KING
Now, Princess, what did we talk about earlier? It’s very cute that you’re doing this, but why don’t you go on home and let daddy have his debate?

PRINCESS
I am not a little baby! Don’t talk to me like a little baby! I am a big girl! (starting to cry) I am a big girl!

JUDGE
Mister Leszczynski, we’ll move on to you.

LESZCZYNSKI: [deaf]
Eh?

JUDGE
Mister Leszczynski?

LESZCZYNSKI
When I was a boy, we played hide-the-potato without our underpants.

PA UBU
Ha! This guy is hilarious!

JUDGE
Pa Ubu, do you have an opening statement?

PA UBU (to Ma Ubu and Captain Balzac)
Do I have an opening statement?

BALZAC
Yes! Remember…?

PA UBU
Oh, right! Yes! Well, I say, yes, I do have an opening statement. I studied it, yes I did, with Ma Ubu and Ball-sack here. And it is quite a thing, let me tell you. Opening statement. Yes.

LESZCZYNSKI
You seem like a very nice young man.

JUDGE
I’d like each of the candidates to answer the following question in turn. If elected, what do you propose to do about taxes? Princess Buggerlas, let’s begin with you.

PRINCESS
Well, I don’t know much about, like, politics or the economy, or like foreign policy, or the law, or like electorial stuff, or health care, or like education, and I don’t know a whole lot about like governance stuff either, or like how people make things, you know? Yeah.

JUDGE
King Wenceslas, if you are elected President, what would you do about taxes?

KING
Thank you so much for this wonderful question. And thank you to the people of Fuggal. You know, I love Fuggal. I have always loved Fuggal, ever since I was a little boy. And Fuggal has loved me right back. These other candidates may say that they love Fuggal. But have any of them demonstrated that love the way that I have? Do any of them have the kind of experience as a ruler of Fuggal that I have? I don’t think so. If you want a great President, you don’t have to look any further than your King. Thank you so much.

JUDGE
Mr. Wounded Knee Goldstein, what would you do about taxes if you were to become President?

MING
First of all, I’d like to point out that he completely did not answer that question, like at all. Okay. The question is about taxes. And taxes, my friends, are about money. Let me ask you this: what is money? Is it little green pieces of paper? Is it? Or is money really just an illusion? A vast conspiracy whose real purpose is to separate those who have it from those who don’t. And separation is a form of discrimination, people. I believe that real wealth comes from spiritual fulfillment. If we all become a part of the universal One, then we will all be spiritually fulfilled, and therefore very wealthy. If I become President, I will eliminate money, and therefore all taxes will be meaningless. Thank you.

PA UBU
I was told there would be sandwiches!

JUDGE
Mr. Ubu?

PA UBU
Yes? Hello? What?

JUDGE
Would you like to respond to the question?

PA UBU
Question?

JUDGE
If elected President of Fuggal, what would you do about taxes?

PA UBU
Taxes? I would raise them, of course! Why do you think I want to be President?

(MA UBU rushes to him to whisper something, he tries to avoid her, and they end up tangled up with her behind him, and her arms sticking through his armpits. He speaks, and she gestures as if her arms were his arms)

Hornboodle, what are you doing? Ah! Well, I have, of course, discussed this question extensively with my learned advisors, and they tell me that the people do not like taxes, and so I say to the people that I will cut all taxes entirely! (Ma Ubu makes an incomprehensible gesture with her hands; Pa Ubu tries to interpret.) However, the people also like it when the government provides certain services, such as street sweeping and garbage burning, which are funded by taxes, and so I will raise taxes after all! (This isn’t what Ma Ubu meant; she tweaks his nipples or punches him in the gut.) No! No, I will not raise taxes, what a ridiculous idea, I must have been joking. (Ma Ubu approves of this; she pats or rubs his belly.) Ah, that’s nice, yes. Ooh! That tickles! Hee hee hee! Wheee!

JUDGE
Mr. Leszczynski, would you like to answer the question?

LESZCZYNSKI
Oh no, no thank you. Ha ha ha.

JUDGE
In the next portion of the debate, the candidates will be allowed to ask questions of each other. King Wenceslas, let’s begin with you. Do you have a question for one of the other candidates?

KING WENCESLAS
Thank you. Yes, I do have a question for one of the other candidates. First, though, I’d just like to point out that Fuggal is a wonderful place. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and children run around in their short pants, laughing and playing. Birds are singing in Fuggal like never before. Flower blooming is up by over 75%. Also, the population of Fuggal increased by 18 and a half percent during my reign as King. It’s a beautiful day in Fuggal, and when I become President, I intend to keep it that way. Thank you.

JUDGE
But do you have a question for one of the other candidates?

KING WENCESLAS
Ah yes. Thank you. I’ll direct my question to Pa Ubu. Mr. Ubu, how do you explain the poor judgment and outright ingratitude you showed when you decided to run for President against me, your King and, I might add, your old good friend?

JUDGE
Pa Ubu, would you like to respond?

PA UBU
When I am President, we will have a camp for little boys, that’s right, on a river, and the boys will camp and play and learn to build fires and wrestle, and then we’ll dam the river and flood the camp, and those little boys will drown, every one of them.

MING
I have a question.

JUDGE
Yes, Mr. Wounded Knee Goldstein.

MING
Why?

JUDGE
What?

MING
Why?

JUDGE
Why what?

MING
Exactly. That’s all.

PA UBU
I have to go to the bathroom!

MACNURE
Shh, Pa Ubu.

PRINCESS
Can I ask a question? It’s for Ming Jamal.

JUDGE
Of course. Princess Buggerlas, what question do you have for Mr. Wounded Knee Goldstein?

PRINCESS
Well, I was just wondering, do you like dancing? There’s this awesome club that me and my friends are going to after this, and I thought maybe you might want to come dancing with us. If you like dancing.

KING
Princess, we talked about this, you’re not allowed to go to the club anymore.

PRINCESS
I don’t have to do what you say anymore, Daddy! I’m running for President too, you know!

KING
All right, that’s it, young lady, you are grounded!

PRINCESS
But Daddy!

JUDGE
For the next portion of the debate, the candidates will answer questions submitted by the audience.

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